Wednesday, December 31, 2008

hello out there

It’s something else to realize that your life the one you know and look out onto the world with is full of insecurities and lost dreams. While you’re standing on the sidelines telling your kids, someone else’s kids, family members that they can do anything that they desire. When your desires are left unfilled, I traded my lost dreams to become a mom. I am a mom. It is scary to say that out loud since it was never something that I had imagined in my other life. I am responsible for a tiny human, most days I wonder how I take care of myself for the last several years, let alone this amazing little life that is such a part of me in a really big way. Everything I do now is for her, although at this young age she doesn’t realize it.

I’m new here, I am not even sure I find my life interesting, let alone expect anyone out there to take enough interest in reading it. I do not get much sleep as I do not believe in letting my daughter cry it out; instead I supplement sleep with endless cups of coffee, and the occasional energy drink to get me through the day. If she wakes up at 3 am and wants to play then by god were going to play, and when she passes out I become the domestic goddess, or at least pretend to be because I suck at it on a daily basis. It’s a miracle if the clothes you want on the day you want actually did make it through the wash. My life is nothing but dirty diapers, laundry, and chaos. Chaos is the cat, well one of them. And they too are a handful.

I work the man works, and yet we get buy without having to find a daycare, or babysitters. That also means we hardly see each other. Maybe that’s why I am putting my life on the internets, to maybe possibly find a connection to something, or at least to pretend to have a connection. I’m new here keep remembering that I may stumble and fall before I become interesting. Sure I keep a blog for my kid, but in reality that is mostly photo after photo of her adorable mug, to keep the family from perpetually filling up my inbox with requests for picture after picture. Lately my life has become surreal in a lot of ways, even in the bedroom. I’m just hoping writing will help me find my way out of.